Posted by: Arkay | March 3, 2008

My Current Struggles

I mentioned in my ‘New Month’ post that I am working on a plan for March. It is an effort to overcome some difficulties I have been struggling with for too long now. I hope that putting my process and progress out there in writing will be one step, also that someone who reads this may contribute to my healing through comments/advice etc. I know a lot of people suffer similarly, and some far worse than I, so maybe this will also open a door for someone else.


Currently I am suffering from both Depression and Anxiety. Each on their own would be debilitating enough, but combined, they present several additional complications. Simply put, with the depression I rarely get out, and with the anxiety I am unable to stay out. Recently I have been able to maintain enough of the anxiety to overcome the depression so I get out more often, and I hold enough of the depression to temper the anxiety so I stay out longer each time. Not the easiest line to walk, and certainly not one of the best ways to deal with my dichotomy of illness. The worst part of this struggle is that I find I ‘need’ far more than I can ‘give’ – something that is very uncomfortable for me. My first thought always is, “How can I help?” and right now I am in no position to follow through. Having to go against one’s basic nature is always a great struggle, something I certainly do not need on top of everything else.


My basic plan is to make every attempt possible to begin replacing the anxiety with positive feelings, and to exchange the depression with simple relaxation. My hope is that I will then be able to use the ‘new feelings’ the same way I am currently using the depression and anxiety to offset each other. It is my hope that sooner, rather than later, I won’t need to be fighting a battle at all. The biggest obstacles to overcome will be that I rarely obtain positive feelings anymore and I’ve never been one to relax in practice. The past two months I have tried to seek help in various forms, but what little success I met with was soon wiped out by negative circumstances. I wish to move forward this month with so called ‘baby steps’, something that is also against my core nature (I generally make a change wholesale, once the new pattern makes more sense than to previous one).





  1. Depression is a hardcore horror. I don’t know how long it’s been going on. At some point you might want to consider some help, be it therapy, meds, or both. Sounds extreme, but it’s better than being miserable for months and years on end.

    Good luck.

  2. ROB N: Thank-you. Meds unfortunately only give me a baseline I don’t drop below, the rest is up to me. As for therapy, unless you are working for the Gov’t with their benefits package, it is way too expensive to afford good therapy in British Columbia (and the rest of Canada as far as I know). Both great suggestions though. As with most things affecting the mind, there is no one universal solution for everyone. Thank-you for your comments.

  3. Arkay – Yep, the meds just sort of level the playing field, or make it where there feels like a chance. Unfortunately I need that. I just go so low. Personally, I think therapy is way over-rated. Some folks may actually have a talent for empathy and helping people see their blindspots, but I don’t think a masters level degree in some soft science qualifies one for the work. Anyway, good luck.

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