Posted by: Arkay | April 14, 2008

Not sure…


This evening I had/have a drive, an absolute need to be out amongst people. This is the diametric opposite of what I feel most of the time since the beginning of my last drop down started (nearly 8 months ago). The uncertain part is that it is driven by a fear of being alone with myself. My brain indicates this is a safety issue. My depression doesn’t give a fuck and my anxiety is having a field day. I actually think I’m scared.

Strangely enough, I actually got some good news today, though it took a very stressful interaction to accomplish it. Even though I felt VERY confrontational over a letter from Employment Insurance that contained several lies/mistruths/convienient statements of omission to cover one’s ass, I kept it together enough to present verifiable facts (all recorded on their end) that put the inaccuracy of the letter in plain sight. As a result my claim has been backdated ten weeks (for which I will receive the maximum allowable) and my claim will continue WITHOUT my weeks of medical coverage being deducted from my total eligible weeks compensation. Means I will be able to pay my rent, eat, look after my bunnies etc. for the forseeable future.

So why am I feeling like this? Anyone?



  1. Stress is stress, whether the stressful event has a positive or a negative outcome. Your brain & body are still all saturated with cortisol – it’s no wonder you’re feeling all wound up like a spring.

    Also, if that situation with your unemployment has been hanging over your head for a while, it was probably serving as an anchor of sorts for your anxiety. Suddenly the problem is resolved, but (if you’re anything like me) the anxiety doens’t just magically dissapate. This can really leave you feeling unmoored.

    Sometimes a walk will help me with that feeling, sometimes I have to resort to the benzos. In any case, I hope you’ll be able to relax and enjoy your good news soon.

  2. bottlecappie’s words make a lot of sense. Sometimes — just sometimes mind you, some of this “crazy” stuff does make a little sense.

    For me at least, just as often it doesn’t. I have theories about triggers playing on my unconscious mind. Still, and again like cappie said, there’s really no way to “shut it off”, even if I have a good idea what’s going on, and even if it’s been resolved favorably.

    For the most part I’ve quit trying to control it. For me it’s just putting fuel on the fire. Diversions are good. Walking doesn’t do much for me personally. I’ll just obsess on the issue as I walk. (At least the walk is beneficial on some level.) In past lives music and movies have worked to reset me emotionally, as have mass quantities of alcohol and drugs.

  3. Anxiety really makes ones thoughts and perceptions so scattered and its so freaking hard to figure out why, and of course focusing on it makes it worse. I tried to explain to people how I felt about my surroundings and described it as a shattered stain glass window. Made sense to me…of course when I did talk to people I wanted to crawl back in a hole, which was never there, which didn’t help.
    Just to let ya know, you guys on these various blogs, have really helped me come to terms with myself, so thank you Arkay, for putting it all out there.

  4. Thanks all. Somehow it helps just knowing others know what you are talking about (unfortunately for having gone throught it yourselves), but helpful and supportive all the same. All your insight will (I’m sure) give me at least a little better perspective. Some things did register immediately though:

    from bottlecappie: “feeling unmoored” and ‘no magic wand once the stress situation is gone/over’

    from prester: “just putting fuel on the fire” and “diversions are good”

    and from misterbooks: “one’s thoughts and perceptions are so scattered” and “wanting to crawl back into a hole that isn’t there”

    Lots to think about (or not as the case may be). Thank-you all again.

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