Posted by: Arkay | April 17, 2008

Minor enlightenment

Last night I was jotting down pairs of words to describe my current situation (for example: restless slumber to describe the majority of my sleep pattern) and came up with a pair of words that probably best overall describes me right now: Emotionally Fragile.

These are not words I would have ever seen myself using in relation to myself, but I now know that it is one thing to intellectually ‘know’ what the words mean, and quite another to actually experience them. My medical allergies (mainly to most antibiotics) have also included one to codeine. I know what the word paranoid was meant to mean, and on codeine I experienced just that. This has been my experience so far: what I think something means (intellectually/empathically) has turned out to be just that when I experience it myself. ‘Fortunately’ suffering from both depression AND anxiety, I have had the ‘priviledge’ of experiencing a lot of things I only previously ‘knew’ about intellectually, or through friend’s sufferings. This is the first time something has come to have more meaning, having experienced it first hand.

Looking back, this explains a lot of why I have had so much trouble functioning ‘in society’ lately. I’m kind by nature, caring in practice and my first thought is always, “How can I help?” This leaves me wide open for hurt and failure on a regular (almost continuous) basis. I find that, even with all the healing I have done over the past eight months, that it only takes 2 or 3 failures to finish me for the day. Be it plans I have tried (and failed) to implement, activities not started/joined, ‘stuff’ I just can’t seem to do, or stupid selfish actions by others; by the second or third one, I am such a wreck that I just give up and in whatever way is easiest ‘crawl into a hole’.

Knowing this now, I think I may be able to use it as a guide to track my progress (i.e. How much stuff can I fight through before giving up?) as well as maybe even being aware more, try and avoid ‘pitfall’ situations, or better prepare myself to deal with the setbacks I experience daily. Let’s hope, anyways.

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Responses

  1. I think of myself as emotionally brittle. It no longer takes more than a tad of adversity to send me into my hole as Misterbooks would say.

    On my good days, of which I’ve enjoyed a couple in a row now, I can generally keep the man on the street at bay with my charm. On bad days I keep them at bay with the negative energy I exude. The end result is the same — to have some control over any given situation.

    A problem I used to have is that on good days, of which I used to have many more, I can talk myself, and damn near anybody else, into almost anything. Belief is powerful stuff. The day always came when the energy was gone. The charm was gone. The desire to salvage something of the whatever was gone. Like Bottlecappie, I’m a master quitter.

    At any rate, I think I’m veering far from the topic. I do think I can relate though. It just ain’t ever easy, at least not for very long.

    We’ll try and muddle through together my friend.

  2. I want to give you emotional bubble-wrap.

  3. Working in the Chemical business, with lots of oh not so nice stuff, we have a saying, and I found this applies to life also; “It takes just one ‘Ah shit!’ to cancel out a years of ‘Atta boys’.

    And when you walk around a target, like we do, it’s so much easier for the blocks to come tumbling down.
    So sometimes, you just gotta say, fnck it!
    Peace,

  4. Hey Prester : knew you could relate. Your comments about belief and charm are right on the money. Good call on the similarity to bottlecappie on the quitter thing – never really thought of it that way, but it is true for me too 😥 As always, I really appreciate your support.

    Bottlecappie! That’s so sweet. Is there such a thing? You’d make a fortune on it just from me alone. (I have an online version of bubble wrap that is just amazing – I may send you all the link, if I can find it again.)

    misterbooks : So true on the “atta boy/Ah Shit” life lesson. As for the rest I’m willing to give anything a try: “AH, FNCK IT!” 😉


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