Posted by: Arkay | August 18, 2008

It was a dark and stormy night…

Since so many of my readers write as well, I am pleased to reveal this year’s (recently announced) winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest. For those of you who don’t know, it is a contest (founded in 1982 by Scott Rice), to honour, and I quote, “the most wretched, the most awful abuses of English writing”, specifically, horrid opening lines to fictional (read: non-existent) novels. Now in it’s 26th year, this year saw over 8000 entries, with the winning one being submitted by Garrison Spic (of Washington, DC).

This year’s winning opening encompasses what I am affectionately referring to as “Love, American Style”:

Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped “Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J.”

That’s so beautiful, I think I’m tearing up…



  1. Too sweet. Thanks for the laugh….the Michigan kinda laugh, the one that sends a steaming cherry-coffee stream out the nose onto a Kwamye Covered Free Press,ah yes my dear, a cool tri-coastal gotta wear flannel from K-mart laugh that jiggles the belly in a Motown beat.



  3. LMAO!!! to both of your comments! thanks, I so needed a lift today…

  4. And jiggles. Thats another “ew” word too. And panties.

    Moist juggling panties.
    Oh lawd, I think I am going to faint.

  5. jiggling. Not juggling.

    Ew, can you imagine juggling soggy underwear?

  6. Yes, now that you mention it, I seem to be able to visualize that… ‘course I’m imagining someone specific as the wearer so as to not totally gross myself out… hmmm, now thinking drips in the eyes and, depending on what time of the month they were moistened, maybe needing some Visene to get the red out?

    (you can go eeeewwwww now…)


  8. YES! Victory is mine!!!!!!!!

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