Posted by: Arkay | December 6, 2008

in limbo

i exist, barely. i don’t have any reason(s) to go on living. i also don’t have a good enough reason not to, either (though a recent happening came close). So here i am, doing nothing to advance my place in life, nor anything to end it either. i go through the motions of getting up (mostly to feed my bunnies) and eating (rarely more than once a day plus some unhealthy snacks). i shower each day, mostly to wash my hair, pits and privates and get some pounding heat into my aching muscles. i then eventually get to one or both libraries to do this (have internet time). The rest of my day is spent reading, listening to Sports Radio (anything hockey), PC gaming or maybe watching a DVD or two (all at home, and all to distract my brain from thinking). Sometime then, very late at night, or more often now in the morning, i lay back with the lights out and try to fall asleep. Hopefully by this time my brain is so exhausted/distracted it doesn’t start up in its 100mile a minute rehash mode again. i try to rest, eyes closed, finding a ‘comfortable enough’ position to fall asleep in before restlessness/discomfort forces me to move around. Or my brain starts in on me. i have nobody, no-one close to me, nor am i deserving of that right now (no matter how much i need it… to survive?). Things just drop where i’m done with them and lay where they fall. i rinse the food off what dishes i use, but they just pile up until i need them again (and then i wash just what i need). i do laundry when i’m out of clean clothes/bedding, but at that, barely the minimum to keep going. And i toss my garbage out regularly. That’s it. i am doing nothing to improve my existence. The odd RAK (Random Act of Kindness) and even the regular ones i try have no effect or backfire somehow. And when i finally do sleep (maybe for an hour, maybe 3 or 4, sometimes more), i eventually wake up again (a process that can take up to 3 hours) and i look around at my life, how i’m living it, and i give up… no, i’ve given up. But i’m not ready to give up completely quite yet. i sometimes wonder what it is that keeps me going on though, in this life wasting limbo i’m in.

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Responses

  1. What keeps any of us going? There’s got to be something beautiful out there that keeps us kicking. I wish I knew more about you and your situation. I know you don’t like meds, but man, what about therapy, and maybe it’s time to look at the pro’s and con’s of taking meds or not. I’m not sure if you work or not, hell I thought you had a shaved head for some reason until I just read you washed your hair…
    I’m sure your faithful readers want to help, but sometimes we feel at a loss. Same feeling I have when I look in the mirror sometimes, and I know everything about that guy.
    Hey, how bout that Vancouver and Detroit game other night, wooohhheee, and to top it off The Professor was there, he was one of my faves.
    Peace and love to you my friend….

  2. Hi, got msg so came over but migraine and sick.

    I know it is hard when we feel like we have nothing left to give.

    But you do. And I also know how we hate hearing that bullshit when we feel that we don’t etc…

    Anyway, sorry to keep it brief but I need to go rest or puke (kidding, maybe take some Gravol as I don’t know about food…)

    Blech. But we can chat about some things later if you want?

    Cool snow too. I hate the real stuff but I like to just stare at it on your blog.

  3. arkay, depression is a bitch. I’m sorry you’re in this limbo hell right now. It’s especially hard for us depression-prone peeps in the PNW this time of year.

    I don’t know what else to say. I want to give you advice, but I know you’ve lived with this shit for a while and you know all of the things that can be done to fight it. Sometimes it’s just hard to do them. I’m glad you’re reaching out – is there anyone local that you can reach out to?

    I wish you lived closer. Hang in there friend.

  4. I am not sure what to write either, except to tell you that I am here, I am your friend, I have known you for over 21 years & I love you.
    I feel so sad there isn’t something I can do to help you more.
    I am helpless as I am not always sure what you need or want.
    I care. Sending you some hugs & nice thoughts…perhaps on Tuesday night you can come get a real hug in person..:) Let’s hope that the boys don’t give me grief & go right to sleep. I would say 9:30 is a safe time.
    Let me know.
    Love the snow falling on your page!

  5. knowing what I know I can’t help but worry about you… please take care of yourself and know that you are loved…

  6. I wish I could say something that would help you, but I can’t. Stay in touch, eh?

  7. I’m going to be practical and tell you to find a good book. I know this sounds like slight advice, but honestly, a good book can do wonders for you. Those late nights where you can’t get to sleep? Grab your book and start reading and after a few paragraphs, see if you don’t get heavy lidded and fall right off into a deep sleep.

    A good book will also keep you going. You know, to see what happens on the next page, what happens to the characters or whatever. I have a laundry list of lit I love. Lemme know if you want any ideas.

    And for chrissakes, think of the bunnies.


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