Posted by: Arkay | April 9, 2009

more on aloneness

I know I’ve touched on this topic in the past (tho not this specific aspect), so you can skip this one if you want. And if you’re looking for an ‘up’ post you will also need to go elsewhere.

Another one of the, uh, ‘challenges’ of being alone is waking up. Specifically after a bout of (scary-violent) dreaming. It’s tough not to have anyone to share good/great dreams with as well, but most certainly not in the same way. Most of us still have the child in them that wants comfort after a bad dream. It’s far far worse when one experiences disturbing nightmares while suffering from depression and more especially, anxiety. It’s doubly saddening when the person affected is a adult male who has been so strong for others in the past. This morning’s expereince was the most debilitaing yet. And like a small child I needed comfort this time. And that wasn’t (nor seemingly will ever be) happening for me. (for those of you who are/have been alone – for a day or a few (weeks or months even) and had this happen to you, imagine it happening and knowing the person who does your soothing won’t ever come back, or you will never have one again)

And I had been showing (some) improvement in several areas and not backsliding near as much as I expected. Granted, the ‘hits’ I’ve been taking lately, though somewhat numerous, haven’t been as severe as those in my recent past. Still, not being crushed under by stuff every time I got my head off the mat was a nice change. And then the ‘joy’ of nearly completely losing it again this morning takes away any brightness that had built up. Only by taking an intensely bitter attitude was I able to even get up and write this. I know hope is my nemesis (opens me up that much faster to be crushed down), but I shouldn’t have to draw on non-nice emotions to (what goes for me) motivate myself. (Note: something else I’m really shitty at – self-motivation; I’ve always been externally motivated – mostly to help others.)

Anger, bitterness, frustration and self-depreciation are predominant today in getting me going at all. This is not right and most certainly not how I want to feel. I really have in me the ability to be not a very nice person (I have witnessed way too many examples in my life to date not to) and am constantly on guard to NOT EVER behave that way deliberately (successful so far – knock wood). Two of my five “Strengths” (from “Discover Your Strengths” – strengthsfinder.com) are ‘Relator’ and ‘Harmony’. I am so far from being able to be either today, that I feel someone may take the brunt of it if I try and interact with anyone today. Unfortunately, I have several errands to accomplish ‘out’ today, tomorrow being Good Friday.

Oh, on that note: Happy Easter Everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend with friends and/or family and that your loved ones let you know how much you mean to them and you let them know how much they mean to you. And lots and lots of hugs all round. Please take care.

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Responses

  1. /hug
    wish I could have given you that in person.
    you are a truly great person, R, I wish you could see past the dross in the mirror to the soul that shines through underneath.

    everyone needs from time to time.

  2. Still checking in as I care for you..hugs

  3. (((hug))) (((hug))) (((hug))) (((hug))) (((hug))) from my family


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